Five months ago I quit my job. I had known for at least two years that I needed to quit but I kept giving myself all of the excuses of why I needed to keep that job. Eventually, my mental and physical health crashed. I was struggling to make it through the workday and had no energy to complete anything when I came home. So, I quit without a really Plan B. I convinced myself that I would work on my business and figure out the rest. And then I commenced to sleep almost all day every day for 4 months.
This scared the hell out of me. Something had to be wrong. I never just do nothing. I had never slept for days at a time. And being an overachiever and a self-diagnosing physician I could not just flow with this. Something had to be wrong. So, I started researching causes for fatigue because this wasn't just ordinary tiredness. What was it? Was it depression? Was it cardiac disease? Chronic Fatigue Syndrome? Adrenal Gland Insufficiency? Could it be grief?
I came to the conclusion that a few of these diagnosis were probably in play. But grief was the main culprit. I wasn't taking care of myself because of the grief and it was causing me to be unhealthy. I was depressed because the grief was becoming overwhelming. The grief was overwhelming because I hadn't fully addressed it. Or I was only looking at a part of my grief.
So, I did more research on grief and read my tarot cards. It was getting close to my birthday so I did my yearly tarot reading. I wound up doing three because I was trying to find a tarot spread that gave me only the information I needed to know. For all three spreads Five of Cups was my theme/overview for the year. Five of Cups is all about deep loss, sorrow and grief. My friend and tarot teacher, Lindsay Mack, states that five of cups invites us to deeply feel our grief. To explore the depth of it. To feel what we have loss but start to remember that there are good things that are coming in their own sacred time.
One would think the obvious cause of my grief was the lost of my parental unit. My mom and dad died three years ago five days apart. And my uncle, who raised me like a daughter, died five months ago. This was grief I understood and could easily see and identify with. The grief I had not noticed was the loss of self. That slow, steady, unconscious giving away of your values and blurring of boundaries. It starts pretty innocent and then you realize that you have given up dreams and goals to stay somewhere that no longer allows you to grow. I also had to acknowledge that my thoughts and beliefs about myself and my roles were a major part of the root cause of this grief.
This isn't quick or easy work but I'm committing to starting the unpacking of the beliefs causing this deep-seated grief and loss of self. I know that tools such as meditation, journaling, tarot reading and herbal support with be the foundation of this deep dive. But sharing what I learn, staying true to my soul work and setting boundaries that allow me to expand will also be just as important and healing.
I would love to hear about your experiences with grief and self loss. How did you navigate the pain and sorrow? Did you use specific tools or resources? Post below.
Big Hugs and Much Love,